Sally's awesome

Being defensive is one of the deadly sins in the social world. It can be really crippling at times. Let's investigate further with case studies on Sarah and Sally. 

Sarah has very few friends, mostly because she blocks people out. She seems to have a strange evaluation of people before she will accept them as a friend. People often feel she is judging their first moves when they just want her to accept them and drink it in. She is somewhat restricted in conversation with strangers because she doesn't want to display her own qualities to someone she doesn't know. This is mostly because how she will act isn't dictated by her own desires and personality, but by the people that are around her. We will call Sarah a chameleon, because she does her best to blend in with the surroundings. Because she thinks she needs to adjust to fit the situation, she rarely makes the effort to adjust situations to meet people's needs. She is more concerned with the people adjusting to fit the idealistic picture. She feels misunderstood, because she probably is.

Sally, on the other hand, loves to interact with others. She is herself, even in the presence of strangers, because she feels no obligation to adjust to the expectations of others. However, she isn't rude about it, she is herself in a very non-confrontational way. Much of her motivation comes from an internal source of moral values, desires, and dreams. When people interact with Sally it's clear that systems are built for people, and not the other way around. They feel she will try to understand them. They feel she will honestly express herself. Sally is awesome. 

So how can you know if you're defensive?

Answer the following question:

Why do you brush your teeth? 

Now don't read the following until you have your answer.

There really are two responses. The first will focus on physical health and or conformity to a system: "I don't want cavities, I want white teeth, my mom told me to, etc..."

The other responses will reflect an emotional reason often connected with self improvement: "I like the way my teeth feel when I brush them, I feel prettier (more handsome), I really enjoy it, etc..."

While both sets of statements are probably realized and rational, I find that the latter set brings a more vibrant mood to life. Doing things in an outgoing, upbeat manner, with individual expression give greater meaning to the mundane chores of life. In reality being passive and defensive is not about action, but motivation and attitude. Going to school to get a degree is good, but going to school because you feel a certain excitement while learning is great. 

This is not an attack on people that are socially less capable, only a call for better, more honest self expression. This doesn't mean that we simply do whatever we want, but it means that we are a bit more transparent about are real feelings and desires. So open up and let if flow. Be awesome.